To New Beginnings!

Hey Guys! My wedding is in exactly two weeks! I started this space to reflect on my feelings, and then I landed on this health journey, but I’m going to start a balance of the two. I thought that wedding planning would be most stressful right before the wedding, but as of last week, it felt like this weight has been lifted from my shoulders. In fact, I feel zen AF. That’s not to say, I still don’t have things to do for the wedding, but I think the reality of actually being married to someone is finally sinking in. I am overjoyed to finally have the anticipation of a wedding be gone and to be able to marry my closest, dearest, and nearest friend these past few years.

Like all humans, we are both flawed. Like all friendships, we have our differences. But throughout this process, I’ve found more amazing crevices in this other human’s soul. We’ve reached deeper connections through sharing our deepest fears. Thoughts to be shared in detail possibly never or for another time, I had been deeply wounded by a few people closest to me throughout this whole wedding planning process. Some in ways that they will never understand or be enlightened to. In a sense, I’ve been emotionally grieving the loss of these people in my life as I no longer wish to surround myself with their toxic energy. The closer I get to my soon-to-be husband, the more ready I am to cut ties with the years of pain and negativity that these people have landed on me. The wedding planning stress (for me) has really lied heavily (almost completely) in the stress that comes from someone else’s emotional guilt-tripping, abuse, and inability to admit wrong-doing towards you (and therefore placing all blame on you).

I’ve been reflecting a lot on whether the fault lays in me, or the other parties. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that love feels a certain way and positivity radiates a certain light. I want to lead the rest of my life with a lightness and positivity that holds no space for competition, guilt, toxicity, and jealousy. I want to go into my marriage upholding my values to the people who have brought me to this point (regardless of how they’ve treated me) but I am excited to move on and cut ties as I enter this new chapter in my life. I thank my soon-to-be-husband for showing me unconditional love, positivity, lightness, and perseverance. My heart is certainly full, and I’m excited to let some of that emotional weight go.

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