…happily ever after, sorta…

I was never the type of girl who dreamed about her wedding. In fact, I went through most of my childhood doubting the institution of marriage. So, as a girl who has never dreamed about her wedding, doubted the institution of marriage, why the heck am I (of all people) engaged?

First, I want to give major, super kudos to my fiancé (for even getting me to call him that). Throughout my whole relationship, he has sprinkled my life with glittery unicorn poop (that substance that makes you believe in magic and dreams). He is the reason why I believed enough in myself to quit making a living to pursue my passion. He is the first man I have met to make me believe in the institution of marriage and to trust my journey through life with. The day of our engagement, he vehemently asked me to please believe that I deserve to be treated nicely to shake the stubborn self-doubter off my shoulders. And it is without a doubt that I had known since the first few months of our relationship, that I want to marry him. However, 2 years of solid evidence that I have met “The One” would not put a dent into my 25 years of never having ever dreamed of having a wedding.

The most sobering moment of my relationship with, was the moment when my boyfriend proposed to me. It was not a sugar plum and fairy dance, I had an “Oh Crap!” moment. Because, the reality is, now we have to deal with every single one of each other’s issues. Whether these issues are personal, relationship, financial, etc. We have to support one another no matter how outlandish one of our dreams may be. We have to tolerate and balance each other and when there is darkness in one of our corners, the other has to bring light. We had already been working so hard in our relationship, but now we have to work even harder. Most importantly we have to forgive and accept ourselves completely in order to forgive and accept each other. This is where, the “Oh Crap!” kicked in. I do not doubt the amount of love and acceptance I could give to others, but the love I give myself can sometimes be subpar. So, to be able to give the limitless love that is required in a marriage, I have to stop limiting my love for myself.

To me, getting engaged hasn’t been this celebratory milestone in my life or a secret unlock achievement of “YAY, I’ve made it!”. Obviously, it is a celebration of love, but that celebration is usually carried on daily (super cheesy, but super true).  The best thing I have learned from this engagement is that there is no such thing as “the right time” “the perfect moment” or “when you’re ready”. Life, just happens. I didn’t get engaged just to realize life is perfect. I got engaged and realized that my life is kind of a cluster F, and freaked the F out even more because now I’m going to have to bring somebody else deeper into my cluster. But, if I had stopped to say “Don’t come into my cluster F just yet because I’m not ready”, I would probably be saying that for the rest of my life.

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